I lost my joy of loving God and loving others as myself, as I expressed my thirsting and hungering for God in unhealthy ways. Instead of utilizing God's light to guide me, I often turned to alcohol and the -isms that had become part of my life: workaholism, perfectionism, caretakerism, and athleticism.

My refusal to accept that I had developed the disease of alcoholism, after drinking normally for twenty-five years, created insane scenarios, as I turned to alcohol for relief when in a state of dis-ease with life, but that relief valve became my enemy. This was further complicated by doctors not understanding alcoholism and the consequences of prescribing medications to me for pain and anxiety. As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I thought I walked alone.

My heart, soul, body, and mind wrestled with God over my denial of this disease called alcoholism. How could I, a Christian for over fifty years, be struggling with this disease? How could I have hurt God, others, and me? How could I be such a poor witness? Would I face the truth with God and let Him reveal the damage done to my foundation? Would I face God, myself, and others and make amends? Or would I continue to run and hide in my alcoholism and other -isms?

As I turned to God, His light revealed to me the truth about myself and what I needed to do in order to be in His will. As I choose to be recovered in God's Spirit each moment, the spirits of alcoholism and other -isms flee; but only as long as I choose to "Be still (cease striving) know God" and live In His will, not mine.